It’s very hard to know what is going on at the moment what with the u-turns and impending global financial collapse. And we’re all so worried about offending or saying what we really think about things, because everyone seems so fragile. So here we offer some decoding. A cheat-sheet for what is really being said.
“Oh hello I didn’t see you there”
Translation: I have failed to avoid you. I tried everything. The looking at my phone intently; the making a pretend, intense call which I signal that I am doing by nodding at the floor; the looking past you into the middle distance. But I failed.
“Shall we have dinner soon?”
Translation: I do not mean this at all. I am only saying this to be polite. I hope I didn’t sound too vague even though that was my intention. I was trying to hit the perfect balance of interest and deflection. I’m attempting to kindly kick this plan – and you – into the long grass.
“If that’s what you fancy”
Translation: Are you insane? This sounds like the worst plan I have ever heard…I can’t think of anything that I would like to do less. I will agree to partake but I will hold your stupid idea against you for the rest of your life. I might even change your name to ‘Fish Taco Friday’ on my phone so I can always be reminded of that time you fancied fish tacos and ruined my evening/life.
“I might see you there”
Translation: There is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I am coming. Gravity itself couldn’t pull me there. I would explode the laws of physics rather than come.
“I’ve had a bit of day”
Translation: I have just had the most intensely terrible experience of my life. I feel like I am being chased by wolves. But am I going to share the fact that the wolves are at the door? I am not. Let’s talk about the weather instead…
“Come on it will be fun”
Translation: If someone says this to you, they are trying to remind you of the concept of fun, because they think you are so removed from fun that your soul is calcifying. They think you’ve forgotten how to have fun. They may be right. But your remaining fun-dar assures you that IT WILL NOT BE FUN.
“Have you seen the news?”
Translation: I don’t want to tell you that I saw in case you are too fragile. Or maybe I am too fragile. But another fucking terrible thing has happened. If you choose it to discuss with me then fine, but I’m giving you an out. We can talk about brilliant bronzers instead. In fact, let’s…