Driving with the seat belt noise going off
Oh, OK. So that beeping noise isn’t burrowing into your soul to derail who you are as a human being? It’s not making you want to slam on the brakes and ram your own head through the windscreen? You’re just driving normally without screaming? Tell the truth – how many people have you killed and what have you done with the bodies?
Being normal at full moon
So, while the rest of us are going mad / sweating / crying / boiling with rage / growing fangs, you are perfectly calm. Some might even say ‘happy’. Happy like Hannibal Lector at an ‘all you can eat’ human buffet? Happy like Gray from EastEnders after he pushed Kush under the tube at Walford East/ knocked Chantelle onto the dishwasher utensils rack and left her impaled on a knife / strangled Tina and hid her body under the Argee Bharjee?
Sleeping through the night
Wait a minute. An undisturbed night’s sleep is deeply disturbing. What do you mean you don’t pee 827 times in the night? Or get up and organise cupboards at 2am? Or spend hours wishing you’d studied harder for your French GCSE while panicking that your entire life is built on sand? What do you mean you put your head down at 10pm and wake up at 7am REFRESHED? *Dials 999, screaming*
Don’t get hangovers
Everyone knows hangovers become a near death experience after the age of 40. You are not just mildly off-colour, you are borderline hallucinating, your blood has been replaced with poison, everything hurts from your hair to the soles of your feet. Your paranoia is powerful enough to fuel a rocket to Mars and you question your very existence. If not…well – you’re either 22 / lying / a dangerous murderer. From where we’re sitting, it’s clearly option three.
Rearranging how the dishwasher is stacked
Look, we all like things the way we like them – but emptying the contents of a stacked dishwasher because the plates are leaning into each other or the glasses aren’t neat is meticulous to the point of barbarism. Time to check under YOUR OWN floorboards.
You only cry for a reason
Death or serious injury. That’s it. No drunk crying, no hormonal crying, no full moon crying, no ‘I have no idea why I’m crying’ crying. Just good old proportionate response crying. Exactly what kind of evil are you?