Seven mistakes you’ve almost certainly made

1. Sleeping with someone at work who you don’t really like

It seemed like such a good idea at the time. You felt so free and liberated (and drunk). But then it was the next day. And when the slightly spotty, faintly stinky IT guy came in you both went intensely red and you realised that everyone knew. And then he kept having to come back because needless to say, your effing computer would disloyally stop sending emails/loading pages/connecting to the WiFi. Smirking faces everywhere. Except for your ashamed one.

2. Ordering badly in restaurants

So you wanted the steak but you ordered the salad because you didn’t want to look greedy and then the other person got your steak and you ended up splitting the bill right down the middle, so you not only didn’t save any money, but you are still hungry. Or you are on a diet so you ordered the fish you’ve never heard of and everyone else was having pasta and you can still taste the fish even now because it was that bad and you had toast when you got home because you just felt so QUEASY.

3. Internet shopping without paying any attention to detail

First you are never in when they attempt delivery. Then you have to spend two days negotiating redelivery and are expected to wait in for eight hours for them to turn up. Then inevitably you discover that the thing you ordered is made of polyester and you hadn’t checked that and you hadn’t checked the sizes and you hadn’t realised they were in American. And THEN you find out you can’t return your enormous trousers or your hideous sandals because it’s credit only/costs almost as much to send them back/you weren’t in when the courier attempted pick-up and you have to spend two days negotiating another pick up and are expected to wait in for eight hours for them to turn up. 

4. Getting drunk before something important 

Don’t drink heavily the night before something important. Don’t sit an A level or be a bridesmaid or buy a house or catch an early flight or present to a new client with a skull-crushing, soul-destroying hangover. When will you learn?

5. Getting politically outraged or talking about the Kardashians in a social setting 

“But it’s just lively debate,” someone will inevitably say as people begin to tear shreds off each other when politics comes up during dinner. If you think talking about the pros and cons of May vs. Corbyn or Leave vs. Remain were bad, try bringing up the Kardashians. Suddenly everyone is shouting angrily about what a waste of space they all are and it’s nearly always the people who have never seen the show. Why do they care SO MUCH?

6. Not hanging up properly

That person you just rang really doesn’t want to hear your muffled conversation about how tired you are or your thoughts on the final episode of Big Little Lies or your out of tune rendition of Sorry by Justin Bieber. Nor do they want to hear what you *really* think of them. Hang the phone up

7. Putting things in writing

You misread an email and you replied angrily. You are conducting an incredibly important and sensitive conversation over text. The scope for misunderstanding, misinterpretation and misjudged tone is so huge, it’s terrifying. Use your VOICE you idiot. Just make sure you hang up afterwards.  

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