Shop
When we say shop, we mean go so far as to put it in the basket (the new sheets/the cashmere jumper that costs more than your last holiday/the earrings you fantasised being bought by that billionaire who never materialised/the knock-off toothbrush heads you found on eBay etc.), feel excited, panic, change your mind and then move onto the next site halfway through filling out your details. Repeat.
Sleep
There is no sleep like the sleep of the dead that happens when you are watching TV. Blissful. Titania in a forest full of fairies type of sleep. Growing teenager sleep. Shot with a tranquilliser dart sleep. Scientists – please investigate this alchemy and turn it into a pill. We’ll pay. We’ll pay A LOT.
Calls
Hello, the pause button is there for a reason. And if the conversation gets tedious you can press play and just have it on mute so you don’t have to miss that repeat of Friends you’ve seen 39646278 times. Thank you, technology!
Wrapping presents
Deeply relaxing. Until you miss the crucial bit in the plot because no one was talking and you were focussing on folding neat corners and tying a perfect ribbon and now you have no idea who anyone is, what they’re talking about, what this show even is. (OK, so it’s probably still Friends).
Eat
Well, that half packet of minstrels/weird gluten free seed bread that cost £9/handful of Cheerios out of the packet isn’t going to eat itself, is it? TV is helping you clear your cupboards out and not waste food. Good for the planet. David Attenborough would be proud of you.
Skin
If you think about it, TV was probably invented in order to give you time to do face masks. And to get the big magnifying mirror out to check your pores. And dig out millia until your face is bleeding. Not to mention the plucking, the plucking, the plucking…
Learn
Pause on ad breaks so you can google important questions that have suddenly occurred to you. How tall is Reese Witherspoon? Is elbow stiffness the first sign of cancer? What does dead ting mean? Where is Bora Bora? Does Stormzy have a girlfriend and is it serious?
Meditate
Fiona Bruce’s voice on Question Time is actually very soothing…
