We don’t want see ourselves as on the naughty list. We are nice. Usually. But sometimes – during a period that is so triggering that you feel as though you live in an emotional pinball machine – it can provide a certain dark satisfaction to be a bit… petty.
Keep moving the loo paper
One minute it’s in the baskety thing that you inherited (!) from your grandmother by the foot of the loo. Next it could be on the shelf behind the loo with all the millions of moisturisers. Then it could migrate into the cupboard under the sink and if anyone asks you are going Marie Komando on their arses. Repeat the cycle until people start bringing/buying their own. Or just staying away altogether.
Leaving the fridge open while you are making a cup of tea
Apparently the perfect brew time is 2 minutes and 30 seconds; the fridge starts beeping after 20 seconds approximately. Just watch the more controlling members of your family land in beeping hell.
There’s something a little annoying about airdropping, and you can’t put your finger on it. Maybe it’s people saying, ‘Have you got your airdrop on?’ Maybe it’s the fact that they are sending you 24 pictures when you have no memory left – of any kind? Anyway you can have a lot of fun declining until they all go quietly mad.
Put hand cream on at crucial moments
This might be the thing that keeps you on the sofa, out of the kitchen/asylum. When you see a task approaching grab one of the 24 tubes of hand cream people have given you for Christmas and wave your sticky, gooey hands and shrug.
Refuse to accept parcels if your name is not on the package
Even in your own house. Yes, you know this is a completely cuntish thing to do. Ahahahahahaha.
Speak in middle English every so often
I am feelyng so full of annxumensse todaye. I am thinkinge that I should reade the wyffe of Bath agayne. If they give you a hard time, call them ignorant and cry…
Wear a Do Not Disturb sign around your neck
A tiny bit of craft and BOOM, a tiny bit of a break.
Answer every annoying question with the same question
So ‘Do you feel like you achieved anything in 2018?’ ‘Do YOU feel like you achieved anything in 2018?’ ‘What are your goals for 2019?’ ‘What are YOUR goals for 2019?’ ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ ‘What SHALL we have for dinner?’ ‘Can I watch TV?’ ‘Can I watch TV?’ You may end up dead but at least you will get some peace and quiet…