witches, crippled body, crumbling body, lockdown, aches, pains, old

We said goodbye to our sanity months ago…

We said goodbye to our sanity months ago but now everything is falling apart…

Frozen shoulder

Well, that online HIIT class was a HUGE mistake. Thanks for nothing, Instagram Live. Our shoulder girdles are now immovable and rock solid, like milkmaid yokes. Lying down is safer and that’s just a fact.

Tennis elbow

It’s simple. If you overuse something, it will wear out. So yes, we’ve spent the past year lifting food to our mouths five times an hour and our elbow joints are now borderline non-existent from the constant exertion. Why they call it tennis elbow, no one knows. Tennis is an interactive sport from olden times and not of this world.

Cricked necks

It is a strange point in life when you look at your bed and think, ‘If anything is not exactly to my specifications, I might die here’. Beds are now quite dangerous. Just looking at the wrong pillow is enough to dislocate our necks. We need these spaces to lie awake all night, panicking. Pillow texture is important for night-time madness.

Hormone havoc

Hormones are the messengers of the body, sending signals to keep operations running smoothly. Unfortunately, a hormone version of the St Bartholomew’s Day Massacre of 1572 seems to be in full throttle. The results speak for themselves.

Mole vision

Eyes that once gazed upon the variety of life – such beautiful scenes as packed tubes, sales shopping, airport security queues and the specials on a restaurant menu chalk board – only stare at images on screens these days. We’re just squinters now. Everything is blurred. Real life will surely blind us. Like moles when they accidentally burrow up from underground and can’t see a bloody thing.


The days have been far too busy to leave the house before it gets dark, when we force ourselves to march around the block in a last-ditch attempt to reclaim our circulation and ward off death. We are just vampires of the night now, prowling around in a vitamin-D free world, listening to the sound of our bones creaking like old ships.

Sugar headaches

This is the problem. You have a biscuit because it’s something to do. And then you think, ‘Well, another biscuit will stop the craving the first one created’. So you have another. And then it’s lunch and you think, ‘I’m at home, I can have ONE glass of wine – apart from anything else, it gives me something to dunk my next biscuit in’. Then you finish the bottle. Then you finish the biscuits. Then your head hurts, so you cry. And the cycle begins again.

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