you're fired, stamp, fired, sackable, sack yourself, you're sacked

Sackable offences

Doesn’t it feel as though we put up with a lot? What with the anxiety and the shame and the pay gap and physical, emotional and domestic leaks? And mostly our tolerance is like one of those resistance bands that we don’t know how to use: firm but fair, with a tendency to snap back violently on occasion. Because if you say any of the following, we are probably not friends.

I work hard and I play hard

Who even says that? What does it actually mean? That you don’t get tired? That you are not tucked into bed with a mild sleeping pill/anti-histamine at 9:30pm like the rest of us? That you do masses of cocaine and then run a board meeting and then shag loads of women – maybe all at the same time? Whatever: EURGH.

My children are my world

We don’t talk about children on The Midult exactly to avoid this kind of sanctimonious, clichéd claptrap.

I don’t take life too seriously

Immediately when you hear this, start backing away from the person who said it because they are wearing an emotional suicide vest and they want to take you down with them. Hopefully you are not naked in bed with them as the extraction will take a little longer. They don’t take life too seriously? It’s code for ‘I am an arsehole who will ghost you quicker than you can say but I thought you liked me?’

… And I turned out OK

If anyone feels the need to say this, it is usually preceded with something like, ‘I was sent to boarding school at 7 and didn’t see my parents ever again and ITOO.’ Or ‘I was bullied at school, it was a rite of passage and ITOO.’ Or ‘No one ever told me they loved me or gave me a hug and I don’t talk about feelings but ITOO.’ They didn’t.

Just saying

What are you just saying? The thing you’ve just said? If you think that just saying ‘just saying’ makes you less of a dick for saying it YOU ARE WRONG.

Let’s go for a run

You spelled donut/bar wrong.

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