Russian spy and US CIA agent
You’re in huge black sunglasses and a black mac with nothing underneath. He’s in a suit. Handcuffs peep from the top of his jacket pocket. “We know it was you who fixed the election, Svetlana,” he says. “And you’re going to go down for a very, very long time.” “You hyave no proof, American fools,” you laugh, evilly, in your best Moscow drawl. “You will never cyatch me.” You let him chase you around the room for a bit before he finally handcuffs you and your sentence begins.
Ocado delivery man and rich, bored housewife
The doorbell rings. You arise from the sofa, covered in diamonds and wearing nothing but a silk dressing gown. You open the door to find him standing there holding two heavy shopping bags. “My housekeeper is out,” you say breathily, “but you know where the kitchen is.” “We didn’t have the cheese you wanted, so we replaced it with this,” he says, pulling a bottle of cold champagne out of the bag and gently fingering the cork. “My God, you people are mind-readers,” you say, as you push him down onto the kitchen table.
Deliveroo driver and rich, bored housewife
The doorbell rings. You get out of the bath, fragrant in an expensive bath oil and steaming like a thoroughbred. You open the door. “One pizza diavola,” he says, eyeing you up and down. “Is the salami extra spicy like I asked for?” you ask. “You bet,” he says. “I’m afraid I can’t tip you,” you say, biting your lip, “but I can let you have sex with me.” “OK – but I want a five-star rating too.” He finally takes off his helmet. “We eat the pizza first though,” you say. “While we’re watching the latest episode of MasterChef on catch up,” he adds.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
He is in a bright red wig. You are in a long dark one. You are both wearing crowns. “I really want it, Harry,” you say. “Do you want it too?” “Yes,” he whispers, “I really do.” “Then make it happen,” you say, letting your ermine cape slip to the floor. “Get rid of your brother and make me Queen.”
Brenda and Dylan from Beverley Hills 90210
You sit opposite one another drinking milkshakes. “I’m, like, not sure if I’m ready,” you say, wondering if your brown lipstick has smudged. “I’ve never done it before, Dylan.” He gently touches his hair-sprayed quiff. “I’ll wait for you, Brenda,” he says huskily. “But only until prom, otherwise I’m going to start dating Kelly because she’ll definitely let me have a go.” You blow a bubblegum bubble. “OK, I guess I better let you then,” you say, rolling your eyes. “My mom is gonna kill me.”
Jack and Rose from Titanic
You’re lying on a bed that represents the door. He’s lying on the floor. “Are you sure there isn’t room for me?” he says. “Only if you lie on top of me,” you say. “But then afterwards, you have to get back into the water so I can sleep.”