Photo streams are the window into your soul. In a sense. They show what you care about, who you care about. They cast a light on the emotion filter through which you see them. Photo streams are new gen photo albums: bad things don’t happen there. It’s all cute cats, potential party outfits, and geometrically interesting sodding sunsets. In theory.

So, yesterday, someone asked to see a picture of my puppy. And, as they gazed at my phone over my shoulder, I scrolled through my photo stream to find a sufficiently delectable one. As I did so, they were subjected to not only a few pouting selfies which is always humiliating, but also many, many dick pics. Many. They laughed nervously. I laughed nervously and tried to explain. Protested too much. Gave up.

I’m sure you’ll know that Whatsapp does this thing where, if someone sends you a picture, it automatically uploads it onto your photo stream. So, for reasons I’m not going into, one of my contacts has been sending me penis pictures. Not of actual willies but silly diagrams and charts and cocks with smiley faces and witty hats and that kind of thing. And every time one lands – perhaps punctuated with a photo of a restaurant sign which says ‘Big Dick’s Halfway Inn’ or ‘Minge Palace Chinese Takeaway’, it all ends up on the photo stream. Incriminating. Polluting the puppy purity.

So I’ll leave you with a word of advice: if someone shows you a picture of their child/dog/chair, do not scroll. Never ever scroll. Everyone will regret it.

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