In repose, I look low-level unpleasant. Not exactly Dragon Lady but not Miss Dolly Sunbeam either. This is not merely skin deep, it is a reflection of my true self because, latterly I have developed Resting Bitch Personality. In other words, if I’m not watching myself, fully aware, constantly vigilant and wide awake, then I’m… not so nice. It’s not malice. Or spite. It’s not even aggression. It’s just a kind of dismissive ennui that I don’t really mean because I haven’t got the energy to really mean anything.
When my personality is resting it doesn’t go all benign and beatific. Rather, it goes misanthropic and irritable, easily flustered and yet flat. Unwilling to expend surplus energy (there is no surplus, I run at capacity) it does not offer niceties and flourishes. It seeks a clear path that does not welcome interference. It takes no prisoners and, while it does not seek to injure, neither does it seek to charm.
So, know this, cheerful interaction from a creature like me, requires a kind of inner dynamism. It does not, as they say, come naturally. Resting Bitch Personality isn’t grumpiness you see, it is absence. I am not really there. I am somewhere else trying to gather myself together for the next meaningful encounter that the universe will ask of me. My personality has left the building, it is re-grouping in my inner sanatorium so that when I am really here, I can be… really here. Until then, bear with me. Or, at the very least (and I’m asking nicely) could you possibly just leave me alone?