baby, fist pump, resolutions, yes sir

Real resolutions

Less sugar? Whatever. The gym or not the gym? Harrumph. Drinking more water? Meh. Try these…

Saying no

Mastering the art of the unapologetic no. The no when you mean no. The ‘Hell no!’ But you keep it all inside. Because 99.999% of the time no one will mind if you are upfront and clear. It is the swerving and manoeuvring, the wriggling hesitation, the tepid toe-curling excuses that tend to really push people’s buttons. Grange Hill and Nancy Reagan got it right: ‘Just say no.’ Still relevant after 34 years. *dies*

Throwing everything at sleep

Enough of complaining about the lack of sleep, the disruption, and the hours staring at the ceiling wondering why you can’t sleep. 2020 is the year of the 8 hours. Solid. Consecutive. Deep. Not piecemeal, paltry, pathetic excuse of eye shutting existential hell. So if you have to leave your phone in another room, meditate, magnesium yourself up to the max, get a companion pillow (which may make you feel suicidal but frankly it’s better than being sleepcidal), give up coffee (*sharp intake of breath*) and take up yoga, then so be it. You’ve aged 20 years in the last 4, these are ‘looking like dog years’ and it’s not going to get any better. Commit. It might work.

Getting to grips with the fact that it is 2020

Things you can never believe: how hot it is, how cold it is, how tired you are, what month it is, what year it is. After all 1998 was only five years ago right? Wrong.

Finding an alternative to trainer socks

Is there anything more soul (sole) destroying that trainer sock slippage? As you charge through life, fighting fires and being brilliant, there are few things less dignified then constantly having to stop, bend over, take off your shoe and organise your sock for the sixth time this morning. Worse if you actually have to remove your slightly stinky Veja trainer in order to do it. Does Wonder Woman have this problem? Captain Marvel? You are superhero too.

Charging your battery charger

Your bag is so heavy that you regularly KO people and spend a fortune at the osteopath. If you are going to break your back it may as well be carrying things that are ACTUALLY useful. Like a charged battery charger. We used to think that charger-carriers were not our people. We revoke that article (unlike all the other articles that are not going to be revoked).

Stop asking Google pointless questions

“Do cows have best friends?/How tall was Jesus?/Is Mercury in retrograde?”

OK the last one is a functioning-woman essential. But, nevertheless, did you know that every time you ask a stupid question to the internet instead of sleeping you raise Google’s carbon emissions and therefore your own carbon footprint? Try telling Greta that the reason the icebergs are melting faster than ever is because you needed to know how if farting burns calories…

Getting rid of anyone who makes you the kind of exhausted that has nothing to do with sleep

Some people oxygenate, they are the jam to your doughnut, the marmite to your toast. They make everything, well, possible. Others suck you dry like a mummifying-mad Egyptian, bent on hooking out your brains with a knitting needle and leaving you in a tomb guarded by cats. It’s time, it really is, to woman-up and find the wisdom to know the difference.

Stop giving away all your fucks

So maybe, just maybe, this is the year when you learn how to distribute your fucks. To fully adjust your fuck-o-meter. To ration them when necessary or squirt them all over those who deserve it. OK, that came out wrong.

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