proverbs, twisted, funny twist, truths, remix

Proverbs: The remix

  • An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
  • A thing of beauty is a joy for four months until you have to pay someone to inject it with botox again.
  • If it ain’t broke, kick it harder next time.
  • A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of knowledge is even worse, especially when you’re watching University Challenge with a show off.
  • A problem shared just means I’m now stressing about your problem, worrying that it’s going to happen to me, so keep it to yourself next time.
  • Absence makes the heart grow really fucking angry because it probably means you’re being ghosted.
  • Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, but I can’t find my lighter, can I borrow yours?
  • The early bird can have the worm, because worms are disgusting and mornings are stupid.
  • People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, because then they’d break the glass and have to wait for two weeks to get an appointment to get it fixed and then wait in all day when the guy won’t even show up, so you’ll have to rebook him and that’ll take another two weeks and now there’s rain coming in through the broken glass, just get a normal brick house next time.
  • If you can’t think of anything nice to say, come sit by me.
  • Honesty is the best policy if you don’t want anyone to speak to you ever again.
  • Better late than never, she said as she finally fell asleep ten minutes before the alarm went off.
  • There’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you get someone else to pay and then avoid them forever.
  • All good things must come to an end, but all terrible things can just keep going for some reason, someone should really look at that.
  • When life gives you lemons, squeeze at least half into your gin and tonic, a slice does nothing but a fat squirt makes it delicious.
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