mr burns, matt groening, simpsons, evil, sly, cunning, bad reasons, good things, karma, secret, bad intentions, ulterior motivation

The power of ulterior motivation

Agreeing to look after someone else’s dog

That was nice of you. Isn’t furry little Billy just the cutest? YES, as it turns out – especially as Billy and his sweet hairy face seem to be attracting the attention of other sweet hairy faces in the park, namely handsome dog owners who now want to flirt with you

Agreeing to water your neighbour’s plants

Of course you’ll go to your neighbour’s house every day without fail to water their beloved window boxes. Nobody wants to come home to a bunch of withered sticks, do they? No problem, no problem at all… especially as you can now nose round their house uninterrupted, making detailed comparisons to your own house (it’s fine, they won’t know you took photos). 

Bringing dinner 

It’s cool. You don’t mind helping with the cooking at your friend’s dinner party. You can bring a dish. Or two. Or three. That way you look like a hero, you don’t have to put up with their terrible cooking and you can trash the place without having to clear up. Isn’t altruism the best?

Organising a friend’s birthday party 

Here’s an idea – YOU’LL organise your friend’s birthday party for them! No one should organise their own party! You’d love to take this on! It would be your pleasure! Now, time to make some brutal cuts to their suggested guest list to make it people only you like, possibly adding some friends of your own, and to exercise total control over the placement. WOW, your end of the table is looking good. 

Doing a run for charity 

Well, if you won’t raise money for the local cat shelter, who will? Those poor cats need funds to make sure they’re kept safe. Time to limber up and get some training in. You can’t let all those people you have hounded for donations down. And if it means you have basically engineered it so that you are being financially coerced into getting fitter and possibly a bit thinner, then that is an unavoidable bi-product of a greater desire to help others. 

Offering to be the designated driver

Ahhh, no really – you have a good time, I’ll just sit here sipping on some ginger ale. Except we’ll leave when I say, you’ll probably pay for me because it’ll get too complicated with the bill because I didn’t drink, and I won’t have a hangover tomorrow.

Personal shopping for someone richer

This would look so cute on you. You should totally buy it. You’ll look cool but also feminine but also slim.” And so will I when I borrow it for that party where my ex-boyfriend will be. And he will Rue. The. Day.

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