Road-kill
When exhaustion is the nemesis of vanity and you give zero f**ks about letting it all hang out. Lying on your back, legs spread, arms spread, double chin concertinaed. Like you are a badger that has been squashed on an A road and couldn’t be happier about it.
Instagram shuffle
It is essential you get a good photo to mark the opening of obnoxious holiday photo season. Kick off with the classic post of your feet at the end of the sun lounger with the pool in the background. Should they be crossed? Or do you look like you have a weird tail? Uncrossed? Bad for the calves? Foot balanced on foot? And people think holidays are relaxing…
Towel maths
The terrible obsession where you cannot settle until every part of your body is supported in the right way. A towel behind the base of your head. Another at the base of your spine. A rolled towel under your knees. Slight adjustment on the neck towel so you can read while also wearing a hat. Which means the knee one needs to be adjusted so you lean forward and the neck one slips and you have to start again, this time with towel rage. Once it’s rearranged, you can’t move. Ever. Even if you need to pee. Which now you obviously do.
Face down
Essential to have a tanned back. Twist head to the right. Get neck pain. Twist head to the left. Get slightly different neck pain. Put arms up like a cactus. Feel like head might snap off. Put arms by side. Does this look as weird as it feels? Go up on elbows. Lower back screaming. Also forget you untied your bikini top. Flash boobs to entire world.
Grecian
This is the slinky sideways contortion. Otherwise known as ‘how to burn one side of your face while making your waist look thinner and generating excessive sweat between your thighs.’
Foetal position
Screams *breakdown*.
Surveyor position
On your back but up on your elbows. Pretending you are observing your poolside compatriots, but really just making your boobs look bigger.
Cross-body clutch
Wet swimsuit + sudden breeze = extreme nipple situation.
Cuckoo
Unwanted perching at the end of other people’s sun loungers without realising they are desperate to stretch their legs out and you are blocking their sun.
