Pilot You
You can’t quite remember who came up with the premise. But, way back then, nothing felt impossible. Of course Leonard DiCaprio would star opposite you. Of course Take That would write your theme tune. The plot was a bit chaotic – a lot of crying, drinking cider and lazing around reading Heat magazine – but the promise was there… wasn’t it?
Season 1 You
Fresh-faced with an albeit terrible haircut. Over-plucked eyebrows, brown lipliner and chokers, but the writing was funny. There was no funding for a big, glossy love-interest, so you’d opted for an unknown (some skinny guy studying philosophy). The writers felt there needed to be more jeopardy, so they sent along the Bad Boyfriend.
Season 2 You
Wait, wasn’t this meant to be a romcom? When did it turn into a horror show? The writers have decided that the storyline needs to take a dramatic turn for the worse and have the Bad Boyfriend turn you into a raving lunatic. The optimist from the pilot has been buried and forgotten. The reviews are very bad indeed.
Season 3 You
The independent years. Thank God the BB got written out of the show. He didn’t like it, but your character development is undergoing some interesting changes. This season sees you living with girlfriends in a shared flat, working hard, playing hard, smoking too many fags and dreaming big like you did in the pilot. It ends with your declaration that you’re going to buy a house!!!
Season 4 You
This is now a gritty, searing drama and not for the faint-hearted. We’re almost in film noir territory, but without the glamour. Of course you haven’t been able to buy a house. You don’t have any money. The writers feel you must struggle to come to terms with your idiotic notions about life and face some home truths. You secretly wish your story was being written by Disney. Cute dresses, cute boys, highly intelligent, talking pets….
Final Episode You
You have gone full method. Life and art have merged and you now hear the writers in your head at all times. You don’t sleep. You go mad at full moon. You roam around the house never being able to find your keys and jumping out of your skin every time your phone rings. ‘It was at this point, she realised the only choice she had left, was to lie down for the next five years.’
You – The Reunion
You want to put the past behind you. Forget about the BB, the boring philosopher boyfriend, the flatmate who ruined your favourite dress, the best friend who turned out to be a narcissist. The writers want to bring you all back together for this final showdown, where everyone lays their ghosts to rest. Only problem is, they can’t get hold of you. You’re not answering your emails, you’ve muted their WhatsApps and you don’t pick up their calls. That’ll teach them to fuck with you.
