- Watch David Attenborough’s new programme – but make it a party for one by angling your iPad to watch it in the bath. Find yourself relating hard to the lizards skidding their way down to a volcanic lake to lay their eggs, as you slip under reaching for the soap.
- Imagination is the new travel in this whistle-stop world tour for one. Just try to make it as authentic as possible. Start the day with an Irish coffee, like you are in Ireland being very Irish. Then head to France and have a large glass of wine at lunch. What’s this? You have just arrived at your Caribbean resort and they’re offering you a glass of champagne at 4pm? Après-ski demands you welcome the evening with a hearty vin chaud. No Italian has dinner without red wine, do pay attention. Oh, you can’t because you’re drunk, crying and eating dry Crunchy Nut behind the sofa.
- Nobody caters their own parties anymore because too much work etc. Thanks to the party for one, your desire for pizza has not been swayed towards salad because of anxiety about what other people are ordering. Lie on sofa. Spill garlic butter down pyjamas as you catch up on the EastEnders backlog. More dough balls? Sure. More butter? Have more butter – it’s a fucking party.
- Earphones in. iTunes opened. 90s bangers arranged in a playlist and now you’re raving in front of the mirror to the Prodigy. Full-blown party for one, while no one else hears a damn thing. OMG, now it’s Whigfield!! And now it’s TLC, FFS!!!
- What should you wear to this, The Party Of The Year? Time to rediscover your clothes. Perfect opportunity to shop from your wardrobe. You can totally remember how to get dressed and you are not wearing a Christmas/bread belt around your belly. You are going to look great! This is going to be great! Narrator: ‘It was not great.’
- You can actually shop if you want, of course you can. Shopping party! Yay. It’s so easy. You just find something really expensive and you buy it! Click, click, thank you, it’s on its way in 3-5 working days! Enjoy the serotonin hit! Before the crushing panic sets in!
- Insta party! Scroll through your own Instagram feed. Do a deep dive into you. Wow, you’re funny. These captions are hilarious. You look so good in that heavily filtered selfie from holiday four years ago. Almost as good as the one from seven years ago (OMG, if you go much further, you might actually strike oil). NB. Do not, repeat, DO NOT look in the mirror during or immediately after this party.
