I like your dress
What, this old thing? I found it in a skip. You’ve seen this a million times. I look 750 in it. Are you thinking, ‘German shot-putter’ or ‘Mutton dressed as mutton’? I look like I’m having a crisis whenever I wear this dress, clinging onto my youth like a cat on a curtain rail.
Your hair looks great
I look like I did it myself blindfolded, drunk, in the middle of the night on a boat in a storm with blunt scissors and a bad attitude as somebody counted down from 10. I was horrified when I saw what they’d done, but obviously I just beamed and said, ‘Wow, thank you!!!’ because I’m completely spineless.
You did a great job
No one knows how or why. It was all my team, practically nothing to do with me. They’re all so much better than me, so my input was probably less than five minutes, if that. My name shouldn’t even be on this project. I shouldn’t even be in this job. I’m completely unqualified. I should just resign. Goodbye.
This chicken is delicious!
I mean, it’s so overcooked, it’s borderline inedible. I’m a terrible cook, my timings are a disaster, I am so disorganised and I never read recipes properly. Even the dog was like, ‘Er, I’m not eating that.’
You do your make-up so well
Well, yes, if you’re into the ‘clown who got sacked, went into a severe mental decline and is now terrorising children’ look. I’m wearing so much make-up, I will probably get rickets from a lack of vitamin D and all the colours are wrong. I basically look like the severed head Clarice Starling finds pickled in the jar when Hannibal Lecter sends her to look for clues in that garage in Silence of the Lambs.
I love how you’ve redecorated this room
I can’t work out whether it looks like I did it high or trying to imagine the old people’s home I’ll eventually end up in.
You’re so funny
I’m not really, I’m just incredibly awkward and desperate for people to like me.
What a lovely tan you’ve got