Just like it doesn’t take much to tip the sanity scales in the wrong direction, so tiny things can make you feel that you are actually in control of the chaos. Like…
Washing out the food bin
Nothing like slopping out the bin juice to get your own wonder woman juices flowing. Because who the fuck has the time or the energy to wash the bins? You do, Linda Carter. Now go save some cats from a burning building. Or sit down and watch Bake Off. Same, same.
An elaborate skin care routine
There have been times when you have been so weepingly tired and miserable that you have gone to bed without cleansing or even removing your contact lenses (shouts of horror from the gallery). You wake up, looking and feeling like the wreck of the Hesperus. Other times you indulge in a four point cleansing cloth moisturising and exfoliation ritual and you remember eye cream. Maybe you even slather your gnarled feet and slip on cashmere socks. It’s a big mood.
A fresh multi-pack of knickers
Nothing makes you feel so undulatingly in control as a pair of box-fresh pants. Nothing. Not even getting your will certified. We imagine. Oh God.
Checking your bank balance
OK this may seem counter-intuitive, given that just before checking your bank balance you slip into a pit of despair from whence you are never getting out. However once you have braced yourself, girded your loins and bravely faced the music (so that you actually know what the hell is going on with your money) you do oddly feel better. Big Ovary Energy.
No one cancelling
This is not the same as you not being the one to cancel and someone else cancelling and everyone feeling relieved. This is actually going out to the dinner/bar/club (oh, come on now) and having a fantastic time with your friends who you do actually like IRL and not just on the Instagram, and remembering what makes you feel like a fully functioning human woman.
A new piercing
Exiles from relevance? Not us. Pah.
A pedicure
Who cares if you haven’t got a pension/a therapist you like/a washing machine that doesn’t act like an unpredictable toddler/a wardrobe that works as opposed to making you feel like you just want to cry in a dark corner – which would be dark if you had curtains that fit properly but they don’t. Because your toes look appley red and perfect, ergo you are perfect and can use the word ergo.
