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My To Don’t list

Sometimes the fastest way to find out what you want to do is to find out what you don’t want to do. Like the police, eliminating suspects from their enquiries. To Do lists can be so… oppressive. Their TICK ME neediness. Their goody-goody ‘Well done me, I’m more organised than Mary Poppins’. In the same way that you know what you don’t want in men, dresses and houses (short, sleeveless and dark in that order) maybe starting with the don’ts is more constructive than we realise. Let’s explore…


  • Order a second bottle of wine on a school night just because you’re feeling free and loose after the first. A second bottle doesn’t sustain that feeling. It throws it off a cliff, laughing.
  • Be weird about food. Life’s too short, isn’t it? And one day you’ll be dead and thinner than you can possibly imagine.
  • Worry about death. Seriously, some good people have done it. David Bowie, Noel Coward and Jackie Collins are all waiting for us. It can’t be that bad.
  • Shout at people when you’re in your car. Maybe they pulled out in front of you because they’re having a really bad day and are in a rush or had some bad news and aren’t concentrating properly. Shout at them in your head instead. And then take it out on your family when you get home.
  • Say no to invitations. Saying no to invitations is saying no to life. Regret what you have done, not what you haven’t. You know the drill (unless you’re in the middle of a really good box set, in which case, fuck the stupid party.)
  • Panic if you can’t sleep. Panicking only makes it worse, you know that. Your body will get you through the next day. And people will think you’re weird and interesting as you charge around, wild-eyed and overloaded with adrenaline, raging about how you couldn’t get Radio GaGa out of your head between 3-6am this morning.
  • Get cross with your parents. They love you even when you’re being an arsehole.
  • Get hang ups about your body. So you don’t have boobs like Blake Lively or an arse like Gisele Bundchen. She only eats broccoli in boiled water. Get over it.
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