trolls, poppy, hay fever, allergy, spots, allergic reaction

My hay fever is worse than yours

Me: My eyes though.

You: I mean, MY EYES.

Me: Like swollen, slime-covered, itching fireballs of death.

You: Redder than Julia Roberts’ dress in Pretty Woman.

Me: Literally flaming-like-the-raging-fires-of-hell red.

You: I want to scratch until I hit oil.

Me: I want to scratch until I reach the earth’s core.

You: Oh my God, I’m going to sneeze…

Me: I can’t hear you, my ears are so blocked.

You: Wait……wait……..

Me: (waggles finger in ear, wincing)

You: Wait…..wait…..

Me (sneezes)

You: I’m taking every drug I can get my hands on.

Me: I’m taking more than that.

You: I’m squirting stuff up my nose…

Me: In my eyes….

You: Crunching down pills

Me: I’m washing my hair nine times a day….

You: If I even look at a flower, my face swells.

Me: I can’t open my eyes wide enough to see any flowers.

You: Flowers are the handmaids of Satan.

Me: Pollen is the devil’s cocaine.

You: I have to literally blow my nose in my sleep.

Me: I have to sleep bolt upright to have any chance of avoiding total suffocation.

You: The sun comes out and I recoil like a vampire.

Me: Plants start to flower and I physically choke with fear.

You: Someone actually called the RSPCA last week because they thought I was a rabbit with myxomatosis.

Me: I would prefer to have myxomatosis. I would actually love that.

You: Me too. I would be like, ‘This isn’t that bad,’ to the other rabbits.

Me: What have the rabbits got to complain about?

You: Nobody tells *them* to put Vaseline up their noses.

Me: Is there anyone on earth that has ever worked for?

You: (makes choking noises)

Me: (rubs eyes)

*repeat until September*

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