You’ve got this. Right? Erm. Well, we’re trying to ‘got this.’ We are manifesting; we are positively mantra-ing; we are chanting affirmations like ‘You’ve got this’, and ‘Life is yours for the taking’ as opposed to ‘I don’t think I’ve got this today. Maybe I left it in the supermarket with my debit card and the will to live’. Motivational speakers are very rousing and everything but sometimes we bend the message. Sometimes a rousing motivational moment has the opposite effect. Here’s how we hear them on the days when we are not fully dressed with a smile, or even actual trousers and clean pants….
Attack the day like a shark
That’s going to help with the anxiety! A bunch of terrifying predators circling pointlessly, trying to eat stuff. Yes, some of them may have 360-degree vision – which would be useful when parking – and can smell a drop of blood a mile away, but the sheer muscularity and murdery intent makes them extremely unnerving to be around. Also, they can never stop moving. Surely this is exhausting. FOR EVERYBODY.
Take the stones people throw at you and use them to build a monument
Sure. Ok. Ouch. Do we have to *checks notes* throw stones? Isn’t that a bit biblical? Also who are we building a *checks notes* monument too? Ourselves? I mean we couldn’t possibly. We can barely get any woman that isn’t the queen on bank notes. Let alone a monument. Also it’s impossible to find a builder. Also materials are very expensive. Also ouch.
You are the artist of your own life, don’t hand the paintbrush to anyone else
Wait? Are we Vincent Van Gogh, seeing things in yellow because of the medication and cutting our ears off? Or Picasso with his suspect sense of what a woman actually looks like despite his efforts to fuck all of them? Or are we most female artists from the beginning of time until the 20th C – ignored, forgotten, painted over and overlooked? And sometimes it helps to share the paintbrush. Because our little lady hands get tired. Fuckers.
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door
Ok. Enough with the building. We are currently constructing a monument to success or something. We may get round to a door. But it might just be one of those zigurrat-y things that has no doors and just lots of steps going upwards forever because that’s how it all fucking feels. Maybe if you build it they will come? But what if you don’t want anyone to come? What if you just want to tinker in your garden and do small things like eat crackers and cheese?
Wake up the lion inside
I am lion! Hear me roar! But really when you wake up your inner lion, it’s no Mufasa. Instead it’s one of those mangy, fly-ridden lions that sleeps all day and let’s someone else (a woman) go out and get its food for it and is also capable of gorging 25% of its body weight in one sitting.
When you are happy you can do anything
Is happiness really the point? We interviewed Eve Rodsky on the podcast this week – listen here – and she said that good mental health is about having the appropriate emotion at the appropriate time and the strength and resilience to weather them. Being happy is hard. If we wait until we’re happy we’ll never get anything done. Angry maybe. That’s the refrain: When you are angry you can do anything. Phew. Don’t tell our shrinks.