Physical symptoms that occur as the result of being around arseholes.
When you are so tired that you start living like a degenerate. You stack the dishwasher improperly. You can’t be arsed to iron your bed sheets. Sometimes your towels aren’t even tidily displayed in your bathroom. All the anal habits you pride yourself on just go straight out of the window, because honestly, who has the energy?
When your whole evening is ruined because you wore the wrong underwear and now everyone can tell that you are a slovenly ho who didn’t get changed out of her gym knickers because she was in a rush and they are glaring through her dress like the lines on a Mondrian.
Chin hair. It just sounds better abbreviated. Like Brangelina. “I can see your chair,” you can say mysteriously to a friend without anyone else knowing what you’re talking about.
It’s not a halo, it’s a ho-lo. The kind that shines over your head when you are doing the walk of shame in the clothes you wore the night before and half of last night’s make-up is clinging desperately to your face. Everyone knows what you did. Beyoncé needs to write a song about THAT #ICanSeeYourHolo.
Like hangry, but for booze. You haven’t had a drink, you feel livid and you have come to the conclusion that everyone around you is a TOTAL BASTARD.
Friend: What happened to you last night?
You: I’m afraid I was involved in a drinkcident.
Friend: What did you do?
You: I got off my face and left a sequence of incomprehensible emojis in the comments under a picture of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on Instagram.
Friend: You idiot.
You: Thank you for your support.
When you’ve done your make-up so well that you’re sure it’s the reason you’re nailing it at work this morning. It’s not the years of experience, wisdom and dynamism, it’s your perfectly applied lipboss.