Sometimes people just blurt out silly things. Course they do. And it’s fine. We can all be tactless… insensitive… forgetful. Because we are tired… hormonal… sad. But there are some things that we cannot help but class as mini hate crimes. And the perpetrators must be stopped. But, until we can have them apprehended and imprisoned, we must find an appropriate response. So that the criminals realise that this is NOT OKAY.
- ‘We need to talk’
Me: Holy actual fuck I can’t breathe what is it what have I done do you hate me? Is this about the time I let your boyfriend kiss me in 1992 during Spin the Bottle and I lied because I thought you’d be angry with me? Are you going to tell me you’re dying? Am I dying? Am I fired? Is it the end of the world?
- ‘Your iPhone screen is cracked’
Me: Oh, is it? I thought it was just the filter through which my cracked soul was experiencing the world, so this is encouraging.
- ‘I’ve moved dinner from 7.30 to 8.30 – and I can’t really be bothered to cook so, we’re going out. With a few other people’
Me: And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
- ‘You look tired’
Me: Thank you, I guess the micro sleep I just had during the first five minutes of this conversation hasn’t helped.
- TV: Your Sky Box cannot connect to your broadband, please check your connection
Me: So it’s my fault for not being ‘connected’ enough. Have you been talking to my mother?
- iPhone: You have a new voice message
*Leaves the country*
- ‘Just so you know, you probably weren’t the drunkest person in the room on Saturday night. No one judged you for crying and when you were sick, I said it was because you had mild food poisoning’
Me: If your objective was that to guarantee that I am never seen out in public again, rest assured you have succeeded