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Midult unicorns

The things all Midults are searching for that would infinitely improve life, but don’t exist. (Yet)

The wake-up pill

They’ve invented drugs to make you go to sleep, so surely it stands to reason that we should have a pill to wake us up. As in, wake up, feel energised, feel excited about the day. Like MDMA but healthy. And not illegal. Or with that inclination that you MUST dance to Elvis for the next two hours.

Therapy for the voice inside your head

No, no, no – hypnosis doesn’t cut it. We’re talking a dialogue with your inner demon that you are fully mentally present for. You need an open dialogue with the voice inside your head that is basically a separate entity to you. You could have your therapist asking you questions and then, maybe via some kind of electrical pulse system, ask the psycho in your head to make itself accountable for its negativity. Like couples therapy, but better.

No-hangover booze

Getting drunk used to be so much fun. And then something happened and it got a bit evil what with all the cold sweating and the paranoia and the ‘I will take you out for an entire day’ horror of it all. Imagine an alcohol that made you feel pissed but also let you sober up if you stopped drinking it for half an hour, so you could drive home. And then wake up with no hangover. Help us, scientists of the world.

The ten years younger face cream

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they’ve got all the chat already with their claims that we’ll all look twelve after a month, we know that. But what about the cream that GENUINELY makes you look 29? Like FaceTune, but actually on your face so you don’t have to filter the BeJesus out of yourself in photographs because you look so child-like in real life.

Mild electric shocks for inappropriate comments

How will people ever learn that ‘You look tired’ or ‘We need to talk’ are two phrases that need to be banished from the English language if mild pain isn’t involved? Why should Midults suffer alone with their blood running cold just because of these unevolved humans? A quick zap to the solar plexus, legally admitted via satellite would be a satisfactory recompense for people who don’t know how to be civilised.

Box set memory wiper

Seeing as the box set is pretty much at the heart of all that is enjoyable about life these days, why should we only get to experience the ones we love as first time viewers once? That makes no sense. We should be able to rewind our brains as well and play it again as if we’ve never seen it before by doing something easy, like some breathing exercises or meditation.

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