January – What’s the point of anything?
Dead Christmas trees, nothing fits, nobody drinking. Your house full of stuff people gave you for Christmas that you don’t want. Nothing good on telly. Dark.
February – How can this be worse than January?
At least January is close to December and its Christmas glow. But this. THIS?
March – Why am I still wearing a thermal vest?
Why are my fingertips blue? Why do I have a hot water bottle up my jumper? Is that snow? What will my heating bill look like? Should I stop eating to save money to pay it? Why don’t I have more money? Why don’t I live in California? Why aren’t I Kaia Gerber? Am I going to get rickets from a lack of Vitamin D?
April – OK, this cannot be spring
I’ve never felt so gloomy in my life.
May – Where the hell has the year gone?
Wait. It’s May? But it can’t be. Christmas was only… four months ago. Oh. *checks crows feet in the mirror*
June – Why did I bother buying fake tan?
Seeing as I’m going to be wearing jeans and a jumper for the rest of my life, thanks to this perpetual rain.
July – I can’t bear the heat it’s so humid and boiling and it’s making me PANIC
Air conditioners sold out. Fans sold out. Barbecues sold out. I hate England.
August – I am the only person not on holiday
It’s fine, I can go to Ibiza some other time when YOU’RE all back at work, heh heh heh……. (when I’ll have to go alone because everyone has used up their holiday for the rest of the year).
September – Back to school terror
I left school in 1709 and yet I’m still anxious about whether I’ll do OK this term.
October – DARK
Get up in the dark. Get home in the dark. Might as well be a mole.
November – I will never see the sun again
Unfollowing anyone on my Instagram feed who is on holiday because what right have they????????? How very dare they???????? Vulgar.
December – I will be dead soon
My life is literally flashing before my eyes. A YEAR???? I want doves released at my funeral and a Viking burial.
