Because we are always asking ourselves can we repair our souls like our phones?
If I sit in rice, will it fix me?
Brutally hungover/can’t stop crying/hormone sweats. Maybe all three all together – the point is, you are producing too much excess fluid and something needs to soak it up before you disappear down a plug hole or spend too much time being watery near a radiator and turn into a mist.
If I have a nap, is that the same as switching myself off and on again in the hope of rebooting?
None of your functions are working properly. You can’t remember anything. You just addressed your boss in an email by the dog’s name. You keep dropping stuff and you’ve just noticed you’re wearing your jumper inside out AND back to front. What sorry excuse for a human being is this? Start again please.
Will vinegar remove the stain of terrible men from my sexual history?
Something very strong and very sanitising needs to be used to get rid of the handful (being generous here) of mistakes you have made romantically (being VERY generous here). Yes, we should honour our experiences as character building – but the one from IT was not character building. He was a disaster. And so was the guy from the queue at the bank – you know…thingy – and don’t even mention Carlos the Argentine waiter because seriously, how long have you got? Just hand over the vinegar NOW.
If I put wax on the jammed zipper that is my tongue, will I be able to speak freely and fluently to address all the problems in my life?
‘Boss – I would like a pay rise because I am a valuable asset to this company.’ ‘Sister – I have made different life choices to you and that’s OK.’ ‘Therapist – I think I have a crush on you but it could also be an unhealthy dependency formed from a childish neediness that in itself comes from fear. You decide.’
Can I Marie Kondo my memories?
If this memory does not spark joy, I will ditch it. The others I will file in an organised fashion that makes them easy to navigate and access whenever I need them.
If I put myself in the dishwasher like my rings, will I come out sparkling?
Your shine has been compromised by life’s dirt. A quick run through the dishwasher will restore you to your former dazzling self. Like botox, but without the bruises.