All the songs you might have in your head right now…
R.Kelly’s song will NOT LEAVE YOU alone, a bit like sex pest R.Kelly himself. And every time you start singing it you remember that he is a terrible abuser and plead with yourself to stop singing his bloody infernal lyrics… like so what I am drunk, it’s the freaking weekend and I am going to have me some fun. Aaagh.
This is Me
Every time any song from The Greatest Showman comes into your brain-shuffle, you do this odd Hugh Jackmanesque move and start belting out, “I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I am meant to be” and fake-cry a bit. Because that’s you, isn’t it? Brave. Bruised. Slightly fake. *howls*
That Rita Ora song
Curse you for listening to Heart in the morning instead of meditating. Because you don’t know what’s it called and you don’t know the lyrics at all but the tune – basically 80s europop hell and damnation – is wedged in your head. And you keep singing snatches of it like a demented malfunctioning robot. But you are just a little bit grateful that it is not that Ed Sheeran. NOOOOOOOOOOOO – why did you even think his name????
Yes you mortifyingly tried to high-five a teenager the other day, who looked at you astonished. And you found yourself remembering what it was like to be 13 and so street (no one has ever been less street in the history of the universe) practically started quoting all the lyrics to F*** The police and, oh my God everyone around you wants to die right now.
Not any other part of that song but ‘Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball’ all the time whenever you are in motion, in Westfield, slowly walking down the hall, in Waitrose, slowly walking down the food hall, in between the long interchange of the Central and Bakerloo lines, slowing walking down the escalatorrrrr.
Anything by Cardi B
If you see an surprisingly-young looking Midult woman with too big headphones occasionally blurting out phrases like ‘I make money move’ or ‘ or ‘I said dance not fuck, don’t get it confused’ like she’s got Cardi B tourettes… then leave her alone because she is very happy right now…
If anyone sings a snippet of this within earshot then it is an act of extreme aggression. If it comes on the radio, for pity’s sake, turn it off before the introduction has started. This is utterly deadly. In the same realm as ‘I close my eyes’ from Joseph and the Technicolour Sodding Dreamcoat.