Midult drugs. As in the things that now get us high.
Hospital corners
Taken from the linen cupboard where everything has been stacked neatly, ideally. The control of a hospital corner. The order of it. And not just the flatness – the absence of creasing. Why can’t life be like a strong, starchy hospital corner?
Lighting
Anything that makes us look 26 again also gets us high.
Kitchen departments
That’s the Mexican elbow squeezer that totally changed my relationship with lemons. And that’s the E-cloth I use that makes glass literally INVISIBLE. Do you have this hand-held grater? It nearly took off one of my thumbs, it’s incredible. Plates! PLATES! MORE FUCKING PLATES!!!!
Pret now doing turmeric lattes
We spent the nineties staying out all night, drinking Hooch, smoking fags, taking drugs, sleeping with idiots, listening to TLC and maintaining relationships without social media. Turmeric has become our feel-good-on-the-go. Shame. But still…
Hotel bathrooms
Someone else cleaned this bathroom. There are plump, luscious towels everywhere. New products. Sparkling basins. Baths of extreme beauty. And it will remain pristine without you having to do anything. Feeling a lot of love right now.
Letters
You remember those. Written on paper. With a pen. That someone held in their hand. Not a card either – writing paper. And if it matches the envelope like a set, well – OK, this conversation is starting to get quite filthy.
Bookshops
Take us to bookshops over nightclubs any day of the week. Inhale the scent of the pages. Listen to the tiny creak of the hardback cover as you pull it open. Tip your head sideways for half an hour to read the spines. Rub yourself gently against the poetry shelves.
Defrosted freezers
You might as well have had Jack Nicholson frozen to death at the end of The Shining in there, it was so horrifying. Until you decided enough was enough. An hour with your hairdryer blasting hot air and a whole ton of icy water later (most of it on you and the kitchen floor) and you regained control. Now you can’t stop opening the door to stare at the neatness. Look at how the bread sits nicely next to the sausages. The sheer beauty.
Giant ice cubes
They melt much more slowly and they don’t make your booze watery. Sometimes you just stare at them in wonder. Thank you for being you, giant ice cubes.
Self-service checkouts
Still like playing shops. Until the unidentified object in the bagging area bit and then MASSIVE COMEDOWN.
