titanic, plank scene, kate winslet, leondardo dicaprio, conspiracy theories

Midult conspiracy theories

1. Your iPhone breaks in the same week you’re offered an upgrade

That’s odd. The battery is suddenly running down at double speed. Your emails have started disappearing. No one is getting your texts, but Annie Lennox’s Why? keeps playing on loud speaker for no reason. Now the bugger won’t switch on and you are at your wits’ end because it is no exaggeration to say your entire life is on that tiny device and hold on a minute, it’s time for an upgrade… FUNNY, THAT.

2. Rose in Titanic is a mass murderer

Everyone knows there was plenty of room on that door for Jack. It’s practically the size of a double bed – it’s actually roomy. They could have both been on that door with room to spare. So not only is Rose responsible for killing Jack, she is responsible for killing the three other people who could have easily fit on that door with them. All so no one bore witness to the fact that she shagged someone in third class. Unbelievable.

3. There’s only ever a problem on public transport when you’re in a hurry

Sorry, but it works FINE most of the time – and then when you’re in a rush, like on your way to the airport or to a very important meeting, suddenly a two-minute wait on the Central Line becomes a seven-minute wait and when does that ever happen?? Or they’re doing that weird thing of staggering the amount of people allowed on the platform at any one time. Or the traffic is gridlocked and your taxi driver is swearing at everyone while your watch whizzes forward at double speed. This is a karmic lesson woven into the fabric of the universe for all those times you kept people waiting to make you look important/mysterious.

4. Jack made Rose so sexually liberated in Titanic that she killed him

What if Rose and Jack had such great sex that Rose thought, “OMG, I’m actually really good at this – why would I want to tie myself down to one man for the rest of my life when I could build a veritable library of sexual experiences? Sorry Jack, no room on this massive door for you. Goodbye.”

5. It rains when you’re having a good hair day

You spent too long thinking, ‘My hair never looks this nice,’ instead of thinking, ‘I appreciate how nice my hair looks today and am grateful.’ The law of attraction is responding to your thoughts coming from a place of negativity and delivering accordingly.

6. High heels were invented to control women

So painful and impractical that we can’t run away in them. F**k the patriarchy.

7. Donald Trump was actually Hillary Clinton’s biggest fan

He wanted her to win so badly, he behaved like the biggest arsehole on the planet believing that no one in their right mind would vote for someone like him, thus securing her a certain win… Oh…

8. Jack didn’t want to get on the door in Titanic

In case they tried to make a sequel.

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