Many of us marched for women’s rights, marched against the Iraq war (or, at least, we meant to) and we will march against Trump (if he ever sets foot). Here are some other worthy causes we would get off the sofa for…
Reinstate the real size of Pizza Express pizzas
Someone, somewhere, decided that the Pizza Express pizzas were too big, thus implying that we are all greedy bastards who need to have our waistlines checked before we all turn into human dough balls. Bit by bit, they deceived us, making the bases smaller until they became the no-better-than-a-side-plate size they are today. No wonder you find yourself ordering the salted caramel profiteroles that in normal life you wouldn’t even look at twice – because you’re still so F**KING HUNGRY. We demand our original dough base quotient!
Ban drinks after 9pm
This barbaric practice must be stopped. People who present themselves as ‘friends’ are at the centre of this epidemic, using their familiarity to make outrageous suggestions that are hard for the weak and the tired to refuse. The knackered and confused are the victims here, forced out into the night when they should be asleep on the sofa or feeling torn between having no life and never wanting to go out again. We must rise up and protect our right to feel too exhausted to leave the house, even though it also makes us paranoid.
Say no to voicemail
Who amongst us has not looked at a voicemail message and thought, “Wait – WHAT HAVE I DONE?’ The digital equivalent of ‘We need to talk’, leaving voicemail is an act of aggression that needs to be confronted. Are we going to sit back while this culture of fear is perpetuated? Or are we going to spread the message that we must advocate transparency – hang up, or just send a text. Feeling safe is a basic human right. Make people who leave messages understand the harm they are causing.
Custodial sentences for those who say, ‘I was sat’ instead of ‘I was sitting.’
‘I was ran out the door.’ ‘I was jumped off the wall.’ ‘He was flown to New York.’ It sounds wrong, doesn’t it? That’s because IT IS WRONG. ‘I sat’ is a completed act. ‘I was sitting’ is a continuous act. We change our knickers every day. We brush our teeth and smile at children. That’s because we are not primitive beings. We are complicit in our silence when we let this assault and battery of the English language go unreported to the police.
Make walking slowly down the middle of the pavement a criminal offence
We live in a world of instant gratification, where no one can keep up with the news and everyone is losing their minds, exposed to a never-ending flux of too much information. We are barely in control of our own moods and people who walk slowly down the middle of the road are trying to drag society down to their degraded level. Selfish, time-wasting and a bad influence on tourists. They must be stopped or expect to see crime levels rise: crimes perpetrated by otherwise civilised human beings.