magazine headlines, never see, unlikely, weird, absurd, is your body stay in on friday night ready?

Magazine headlines you’ll never see

Miracle toad sperm skincare does f**k all

It feels nice. It smells nice. Pretty pot. But you’re going to look exactly the same in 21 days time, if not older.

How to repel men because you are too tired to have sex

Crush your man’s hopes that he’s going to get any action tonight or any night in the near future. Complain loudly about your lack of energy after a long week. Point out that you haven’t waxed since Leo Sayer’s first album came out. Put on a onesie and shove your earplugs in. It’s all about giving off the right signals.

100 ways to style the tracksuit bottoms you will be living in for the rest of your life on the sofa

They look so good with bed socks/sport socks/slippers. Perhaps an ironic slogan t-shirt you kept from the 90s that is now falling apart? Throw in a thermal vest and that really ugly hoody everyone says makes you look like you’re 25 stone. You know it makes sense.

Is your body stay-in-on-Friday-night ready?

How to arrange your sofa cushions for maximum comfort so that your back doesn’t start to ache from watching so much TV.

Party dresses you can’t afford and would look terrible in

This dress is much too short for you. This one doesn’t cover your arms. This one is too colourful (*coughs muttering mutton dressed as lamb*). This one will make you look like you haven’t had sex for five years and are now so desperate that you have dropped your standards to incorporate anyone with two legs and a heartbeat. You can have this one but only if you don’t eat for the next seven months. Or this one – if you don’t spend any money on heating/rent/food/keeping yourself alive ever again.

Botox. Who can be arsed?

So you look a bit cross these days. So what? You ARE a bit cross these days.

How to shut your boyfriend down when he’s trying to open up to you

Yes, darling, I’m so interested in your opinion on the #MeToo movement and what you think it says about the male role in the modern day relationship, just not when I’m trying to work out which Instagram filter to use for my post – do you think I look nicer in this photo or this photo?

The box-set diet: which pizzas work best with the latest season of Homeland?

If there’s too much cheese, will it get all stringy when you’re eating it and distract you from crucial plot twists? If the pepperoni is too hot, will you be swearing and scrabbling around for water when you should be listening to Carrie’s insane ramblings about Russia trying to bring down the US government?

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