Just some of the ways in which we have failed at being an adult this week alone. WHY IS IT SO HARD? *stamps foot*
Did you put off filling the passport forms? You know, the ones that have been sitting there for three months? The ones that make you feel like you are slightly choking every time you remember they are there….? Did you? OR did you watch Series 4 of RuPaul’s Drag Race? Yasss Queen, you know what you did. And despite the fact that you have effectively confined yourself to these Little Englander shores, you’d do it again. Hello, Series 5!
Medication, medication, medication
You are taking antibiotics (because the chest thing won’t go away *panic panic*), contraception (because… CAN YOU IMAGINE), masses of supplements (brain, body, skin, hair, cuticles, hormones), Nurofen (back, head, hangover, teeth) as well as some weird Chinese stuff that you bought on a whim because you need all the help you can get at this point. The trouble is… consistency is all. And some days you rattle with pills. Other days, tumbleweed. You should get a pill box. Except nothing will induce you to become that person.
Today marks the 300th day in a row of walking into a shop, picking stuff up, taking them to the counter and then remembering that you have forgotten your bag for life. ‘I have forgotten my bag for life’ will be on your tombstone. Fucking BAGS. You are the hunchback madult muttering, ‘The bags, the bags’.
Cold comfort fanny
Leaving the house at 8am looking super crisp and pulled together. This is a minor miracle – let’s celebrate the fact that we finally know what we’re doing. Yes it’s cold but you are warmed from within by your sartorial triumph. Fast forward to 11am, and you seem to have walked on to the set of Dr Zhivago. With no tights, no coat and no Omar Sharif. There is nothing crisp and pulled together about hypothermia.
Scale away, scale away, scale away
The kettle spout is a bastard. It does not pour, and when it does it sheds limescaly bits into your 15th coffee of the morning. You should get that Scale Away. That is the grown-up thing to do. You will do it. You are so going to do it. You throw the kettle away.
Sometimes a complicated skincare routine is the only thing that makes you feel as though you’ve got your shit together. You’re packing the retinol, you’re holding the Hyaluronic acid, you’re fingering the eye cream and drowning in face oil. The serums are everywhere. The scrubs are practically taking over. But what is for day and what is for night? What comes first and what comes last? How long should each layer be left to absorb? You end up feeling afraid and reaching for the Nivea/Tequila….