Things We Intend To Sue…
Julia Fox – who you may or may not remember, went out with Kanye West after his break-up with Kim Kardashian and is an actress and some kind of muse – recently posted that the next time she heard the phrase ‘anti-ageing’ associated with a product she was going to sue. She was going to use it, inevitably continue to age and then…sue. Anti-ageing should be taken off everything. We can’t anti-age. Anti-ageing is dying. How can we possibly be anti-something that we will all do regardless? It’s cruel and it’s lies and it got us thinking of all the other suing we want to do. We seem to have gone all… American?
We intend to sue for the fact that – way back when – they told us that Gisele was curvy. “Look at that Amazonian”, they said, “Look at those boobs’, they said. And we dutifully looked and we sort of drank the cool aid. We were, after all, in recovery from heroin chic which, appallingly, is back: insane and a different kind of violence against women. Come to think of it, we should sue about heroin chic as well. It’s like saying death chic. Anyway, if you dare, have a look at Gisele on the catwalk at Victoria’s Secret all those years ago. Take a fresh look at the luscious curves that WERE NOT IN FACT THERE. She looked almost as ill as the rest of them but she had a tan. Good luck not crying with rage…
The Diet Industry
…In fact, let’s sue the diet industry for the endless reminders that we are somehow not enough or too much. All the shakes, the pills, the Atkinses, the lies, the snake oil, the pressure. The selling us the idea that being thin was the same as being happy. Hands up if you were happiest at your thinnest? We weren’t. We were paranoid and broken.
While we are in a litigious mood, I think we should sue Bryan Adams for the 16 weeks in the summer of 1991 that ‘Everything I Do’ was number one. We can never get those weeks back, Bryan. So we sue.
Also in our legal line of fire is the film Pretty Woman for teaching a generation of 15 year old girls that prostitution was cool and the way to meet a nice, rich husband. It’s so strange, that film, because we hold it in such affection and we quote from it all the time but it is also so unbelievably suspect. Watching it now is like putting on high heels. Oh yes….Hello old friends. You will make me feel better. Now why does everything hurt and feel wrong?
Cookery Books That Have Too Many Ingredients
What do you think should be the cookery ingredient limit – I mean we have speed limits in order to keep people out of danger so why not ingredient limits? 5? 3? 7 at most? Also, any cookery books that require 25 pieces of equipment so the washing up takes longer than the cooking time. And the ones that think we have preserved lemons in our pantry. And think we have a pantry. You’ll be hearing from our lawyers.
In the old days we could just about manage to yank out the paper from a paper jam. Now, printing is an endlessly painful experience. Every time we press print we have an automatic stress response. Will it work this time? Because I don’t know what to do if it doesn’t. YOU HAVE ONE JOB, printer. In fact it’s not just printers with their pitiful work ethics; The whole of technology is a big giant lawsuit waiting to happen.
Yes, you, Technology. You think you are so clever with your whizzy bits and crypto bullshit. But we think we need to sue you for the fact that you are designed to break. To give up. To make our lives a little bit worse. You are supposed to be a portal to connection, ease and information, instead you are the gateway to frustration, bankruptcy and stress. And this is not our first tech rodeo. It started with Walkmans that drained batteries in seconds and then just…gave up. And CDs – they said they were unscratchable. They were not. So we sue you.