This week it’s International Kissing Day. Last week it was National Bubblewrap Appreciation Day. And we all know that every Day should be International Women’s Day and International Earth Day. Honestly. Here are some International Days that we actually need.
International Low Expectations Day
A day when you just can’t. Sorry, don’t really want to. Maybe later. Oh God, whenever. Well, OK, but not now. Can you just not? Quite tired, so….Possibly at some point. Not promising anything. Better to just ask someone else. In other words, the most relaxing day of the year.
National Unexpected Tenner Day
There you were having a very average Monday. And then, as if guided by benevolent forces of the universe, you stuck your hand in your back pocket and lo, your fingers discovered a folded up ten pound note. Like Howard Carter finding Tutankhamun’s tomb, you hold it aloft and exclaim, ‘Yes, wonderful things…’ There is no elation like it and that deserves a day of national recognition.
World Last Minute Cancellation Day
The adrenaline rush of that text coming through. The message starting, ‘I’m so sorry, but…’ Your heart swelling as you read the joyous news that you can just go home, put your trackies on and watch Love Island instead of going out in HEELS and MAKE-UP and TALKING to PEOPLE. We need to get out there: it’s never too late to cancel.
World Easy Fold Pizza Box Day
Your lovely pizza just arrived, mmm. It’s got so much cheese on it and you don’t have to clear up after. Except now the stupid bastard of a box won’t fold and go into your recycling and it’s taking the edge off the entire experience. It’s just sitting in your kitchen, staring at you with, ‘Well, THAT was a mistake’ eyes. Let us highlight the urgent need for a box that folds like a collapsible bike and can be dispatched and therefore forgotten easily.
International No Streak Fake Tan Day
How did you do your hands so well? You don’t have big white stripes across your legs. Your hairline is not orange. You even reached the bit in the middle of your back. To all the owners of a flawless self-applied tan, come together and share the joy of your great skills.
International Spontaneous Walk Out Day
This meeting is boring. I’m leaving. This wedding is going on too long. Bye! I know I this is my house and I invited you all here for dinner, but I can’t be arsed to wash up. My cab has arrived. Laters.