inside out, angry, rage, crazy, maddening, stress, infuriating, emotions

Infuriating phrases

Everything happens for a reason

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that this is true. There’s nothing in the small print that says this reason is a good reason and that is the critical flaw. The reason your car was towed was because your parking ran out. The reason your white wash came out pink is because your red knickers smuggled themselves in. The reason you can’t pay your tax bill is because you spent a large portion of it drunk-shopping Italian stone for the bathroom you absolutely cannot afford to do up. These are all reasons without being good reasons. Enough said.

You’re exactly where you’re meant to be

Well, unless you’re lying on the sofa with a hot water bottle down your trousers having just woken up from a brief but satisfying doze to find Deliveroo have just arrived with your pizza and the new series of Bridgerton, which hasn’t even been filmed yet, has just started, then that’s just not true.

You don’t know your own strength until it’s tested

Please don’t test our strength. We don’t have any. It got lost last year. Maybe it’s down the back of the sofa or under the bed or got sent back with one of the millions of things we ordered online for something to do. We don’t want to do any tests. Fuck the fucking tests.

You’ve got this

Got what? What if we don’t want ‘this’? What if ‘this’ is actually chlamydia or dry rot? Thank you, but no, we don’t want THIS. We don’t want any of this – you have this!!!

Get out of your own way

In other words – stop being the person you are and start being someone else completely different so that all your dreams come true. Become someone who never worries, catastrophises, panics, plans for the worst-case scenario, totally forgets that plan, doubts, screams, cries, can’t make their mind up, can make their mind up but then needs a quick sleep, wakes up feeling more tired, has a headache, eats some biscuits, has a brief silent disco to some 90s bangers to cheer up, is then awake all night. Be that person.

Hug, but be cautious

Is a cautious hug the new limp handshake? Is it the failure to smile in a photo? Is it the physical equivalent of the person who always remembers your name wrong? The awkward sex with the guy who seemed really hot but has no idea what he’s doing? The dress that is almost right, but has visible pockets? The tepid bath? The expensive cherries that taste of nothing? Struggling to think of something that is setting itself up to be more dissatisfying… we’ll get back to you…

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