Me: I am so single.
You: I’ve been single forever.
Me: I feel like I’ve never not been single.
You: Apart from when you were married.
Me: That barely counts. Who even was he?
You: You know, the guy with the…
Me: Just no memory of him at all. That’s how long I’ve been single.
You: I can go for days without speaking to anyone.
Me: This is the first time I have used my voice in, like, a week.
You: (scratchy voice) Same, same.
Me: (reaching out a hand) I’m just checking you’re actually there.
Me: Do single people even exist to the rest of the world?
You: They do to my 2-year old nephew – because I have to share a room with him at Christmas.
Me: At least they let you mix with other humans. I’m lucky if I get the dog basket.
You: Let me be clear about this. I am half a person. They don’t feed me or speak to me.
Me: When I said dog basket, I mean the one in the garden. I’m not allowed in the house.
You: My family has disowned me. My mother thinks I’m evil and dangerous.
Me: My mother only refers to me in the past tense.
You: As for my friends…
Me: OMG, the whole, ‘You’re so glamorous!’ thing.
You: ‘You go to parties! We never go to parties!’
Me: ‘You get to lie in! We haven’t had a lie in since before cars were invented!’
You: ‘All that time you have to do your make-up!’
Me: ‘All that money you can spend on yourself.’
You: ‘All that endless, hot sex you must be having with people you actually fancy!’
Me: That’s true, actually.
You: Yeah, same.