miss havisham, great expectations, single, spinster, never marry, more single, forever single

I’m more single than you

Me: I am so single.

You: I’ve been single forever.

Me: I feel like I’ve never not been single.

You: Apart from when you were married.

Me: That barely counts. Who even was he?

You: You know, the guy with the…

Me: Just no memory of him at all. That’s how long I’ve been single.

You: I can go for days without speaking to anyone.

Me: This is the first time I have used my voice in, like, a week.

You: (scratchy voice) Same, same.

Me: (reaching out a hand) I’m just checking you’re actually there.

You: I don’t know, am I here?

Me: Do single people even exist to the rest of the world?

You: They do to my 2-year old nephew – because I have to share a room with him at Christmas.

Me: At least they let you mix with other humans. I’m lucky if I get the dog basket.

You: Let me be clear about this. I am half a person. They don’t feed me or speak to me.

Me: When I said dog basket, I mean the one in the garden. I’m not allowed in the house.

You: My family has disowned me. My mother thinks I’m evil and dangerous.

Me: My mother only refers to me in the past tense.

You: As for my friends…

Me: OMG, the whole, ‘You’re so glamorous!’ thing.

You: ‘You go to parties! We never go to parties!’

Me: ‘You get to lie in! We haven’t had a lie in since before cars were invented!’

You: ‘All that time you have to do your make-up!’

Me: ‘All that money you can spend on yourself.’

You: ‘All that endless, hot sex you must be having with people you actually fancy!

Me:  That’s true, actually.

You: Yeah, same.

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