Me: Sorry… just got to send this text…
Me: (scrolling) What the hell…?
You: (looks up briefly)…
Me: Did you see this on Instagram?
You: Course. I’m never not on Instagram.
Me: I have to repost.
You: I already reposted.
Me: (phone beeps) Wait, did you just text me?
Me: ‘Do you want a drink?’
You: Tell me what you feel like and I’ll Deliveroo?
Me: Rather than go to your kitchen?
You: I Deliveroo everything.
Me: Even, like, water?
You: I don’t have time to get my own water.
You: Siri, what are the best Deliveroo drinks in my area?
You: Are you filming me?
You: Imagine, like, losing your phone.
Me: Sorry… just texting…
You: I wouldn’t be able to do anything… Ever again.
Me: I don’t have a brain anymore. My phone is my brain.
You: This device houses my soul.
Me: If you cut this phone, it would cry in my voice and then bleed actual blood.
You: This phone knows me better than I know myself.
Me: Don’t get me wrong, I hate the damn thing.
You: OMG, I am a slave to this bastard.
Me: I don’t *want* it by my bed at night.
You: But what if there’s an emergency?
Me: There could certainly be an emergency!
You: And checking emails at midnight means I have no surprises in the morning.
Me: (phone rings) Look, I don’t want to take this call, but I have to. (takes call) Hi! Hi!
You: It’s fine, I have 2398567399 un-listened-to voicemails to check.
Me: (on call) Sorry, call waiting. Call you back?
You: Just checking my emails…
Me: (on call) Just message me. Or DM me. Or email me. Or WhatsApp me. Or comment on my last post.
You: (taps fingers)… Better check my emails again. In case anything has just landed, y’know?
Me: OMG, my battery is about to –
You: F*****ck, me too, less than one perce-