Do you ever look back and think…all this money we’ve earned. What have we got to show for it? WHAT HAVE WE SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON? Here’s a broad-brushstrokes breakdown.
10 Per Cent On Minibreaks With Depressing Boyfriends That We Thought Might Be The One
Up and down the country staying in ‘quirky’ B&B’s. Trips to not-quite-Paris Continental cities like Valencia or Lille. We paid for this pain? In some ways we still are paying…
10 Per Cent On Therapy
It is worth it – isn’t it? Because before that we were held together by bread, bits of self-help that we read in magazines, Spanx and the occasional yoga class/Xanax.
15 Per Cent On The Hunt For The Perfect Capsule Wardrobe
Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is £70 too much for a white t-shirt? Will these black trousers work with everything forever? I hate them but will they? That white shirt, the one that gapes across the boobs, is that the one? God that coat is depressing. I have to have it.
5 Per Cent On Shoes That Don’t Quite Fit
We thought maybe it didn’t matter that we couldn’t feel our toes. Or that eventually the blisters would heal and our feet would win.
35 Per Cent On Pointless Patching Of Leaks, Walls, Random Holes In Our Home
Because we can’t afford to do the extension that needs doing. Maybe this nice vase will hide the damp? Maybe this witty poster will disguise the horror of the back of the house falling off. ‘Rotten!’ the man keeps saying while poking at the walls/roof/floor with a screwdriver. ‘Rotten!’ Oh, how we hate the man.
13 Per Cent On Taxis
Ubers, black cabs, dodgy mini cabs, New York taxis, tuk-tuks. We have paid a heavy taxi tax.
645 Per Cent On Highlights
Also low-lights, and then fringes, and layers and then balayage and repairing shampoos, and root concealer, blow-dries. Extensions for the thinning. The thinning. The thinning… (that’s how you type an echo…)
10.5 Per Cent On Phone Bills
Rewind to the day when you made all those phone calls. Now it’s data, data, all that data. The awful French holiday where you accidentally spent 2k while roaming.
7 Per Cent On Athleisurewear
That has never seen the inside of a gym/yoga studio.
1 Per Cent On Dry-Cleaning
13 Per Cent On Food Fads
We have fallen for EVERYTHING. Quick cookbooks, machines that turn frozen fruit into velvety yoghurty deliciousness, seeds all the seeds, especially the chia ones that are the price of black gold and spend an eternity in our front teeth and taste like frogspawn. Huge machines that will turn anything into a nutritious broth. Food boxes. Supplements. Sachets. We could go on but we need to go and sieve some boiled ginger water and raw honey which, by the way, costs A MILLION POUNDS.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now