- 10 per cent needing to pee. Is it because of all the coffee, tea, green juices and gallons of water we are drinking? Or is it because our vaginas are crying tiny tears?
- 5 per cent terrible thoughts. You know the ones. Like, ‘I wonder what he looks like naked?’ or ‘When will you just bloody go ahead and die?’
- 35 per cent stressed. What? Not 97% stressed? Not 99 per cent stressed? No, a lot of the time we are actually very Zen, calm, meditative, get shit done kinda grown-ups. 65 per cent of the time it works every time.
- 21 per cent snaccidents. Look at us so disciplined, so firm, so ‘No I couldn’t possibly manage a pudding’. (It’s because we already ate the fridge)
- 47 per cent needing to sleep. Always need sleep. Would you like a private island? Only if I could sleep there. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fall asleep when you hit the pillow and wake up 8 hours later? Rather than have to make 24 sacrifices to the gods and still wake up at 4:45am?
- 5 per cent wanting to buy something really inappropriate. Like glittery boots. Or leather leggings. When what you really need is a raincoat and a nice summer jumper. And some new knickers. *buys the leather*
- 27 per cent swear words. As in ‘The washing machine is buggering about’ and ‘What kind of fucker doesn’t thank you when you graciously give way in the car?’ and ‘What the cunting hell am I supposed to say to that?’
- 3 per cent dreaming of the moisturiser that is going to make you look like a sun-kissed 22-year-old.
- 2 per cent worrying about whether we should have paid more attention in maths: So that our finances wouldn’t be such a mystery. And the rest.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now