There are some things that I feel would significantly improve the quality of my life. They are neither expensive nor hard to find. And yet I resist. Because, if I succumb, I fear I shall never have sex again. And, from where I’m sitting, the odds don’t need worsening. But I yearn for them. And some day soon I’ll succumb to…
Slippers
Not dainty ballet shoe-shaped ones but chunky sheepskin and suede, buff coloured probably, contrasting very little with my grey and slightly scaly winter ankles. And maybe I won’t get the more modern mule style but, instead, plump (plump being the operative word) for the almost wingéd moccasin style of old (old being the…). But then I’ll flatten the backs with my cracked heels and they’ll be mules anyway.
Brushed Cotton Nightie
Preferably sprigged with flowers. Complete with Peter Pan collar. Hopefully a bit of smocking. Floor length with elastic around the wrists and then the most conservative of flounces. Basically a child’s night dress but I’ll be drinking vodka in it and anyone who wants to shag me wearing this would have serious sexual deviances. Like most of the people who want to shag me.
Braces
Yes, many, many Midults are wearing braces to deal with the dreaded midlife snaggle-fang, but they are mostly partnered up. Imagine snogging someone for the first time with a mouthful of metal. Or coyly offering a blow job. I mean, they’d run screaming…
Companion Pillow
Depressing name but it’s not actually a fake boyfriend it’s a V- or C- or S-shaped pillow to support my back. Actually, is that even more depressing?
Arch-Supporting Insoles From Dr Scholl
I can feel my flat feet slapping against the floor, but imagine kicking your shoes off when things get steamy only for an arch support to fly out – so much worse than a chicken fillet in your bra. I might as well carry my sex toys in a tartan wheelie shopping trolley… (which I also quite want).
Electric Blanket On One Side Only
Because you would, wouldn’t you? Why get a big, electricity-guzzling one when I can get one just for…one. And turn it on when I want. And turn it off when I want. And never again have to worry about being cold and alone. I can be hot and alone.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now
