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Five guys you probably slept with

The One Who Was Completely In Love With You

Remember him? He sent you emails full of kisses, and maybe even handwritten letters, and he made you tea in bed but the sex was meh, and you wondered, ‘Is this what love feels like?’ Whilst hoping…that it wasn’t. You’d always imagined what it might be like to be adored but actually – get off me NOW.

The Hot One Who Looked Like He Was Engineered By NASA

Might have been a small-time sportsman or maybe a regional TV presenter who was really, really good-looking. Blindingly handsome. So good-looking that in photographs you look like Madge to his Dame Edna. So well built that he once bent over to feed the cat (not a euphemism) and your mum did an audible intake of breath. You have never forgiven her. Disgusting.

The Manic Depressive Who Gave Unbelievably Good Head

The moods were awful. He left you sitting in restaurants when he was depressed or just walked out of parties if you talked to anyone else. He kept you up all night when he was on a high: talking talking talking about the death of Princess Diana. But you had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm so put up with it as long as you could. About three months.

The Ugly One Who Was Mean To You

He clearly should have been GRATEFUL but, weirdly, he was not. It became about winning in the end. He ran off with your best friend. You can spin this however you want, but in no way did you win.

The Yucky One

Oh, you were Kate Moss and he was your Pete Doherty. In bad light, if you were squinting, he looked like Kurt Cobain. For the first time in your life you felt cool and wild and then, after six months of dating, woke up in the back of someone’s car in Gloucestershire and he’d wet himself – and you. So you thought what the hell am I doing? And never saw him again. JOKE – you dated him for another year and a half. Oh God.

I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now

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