BA: You should know there has been fraudulent activity on your account.
BA: It’s serious, I’m afraid.
BA: I’ve been monitoring erratic spending for some time.
Me: Christ, who is this bastard and how do we stop them?
BA: The thing is, there are almost no funds in your account, and that’s what raised our suspicions.
Me: No need to rub it in, but go on.
BA: A designer dress was bought on Net-a-Porter.
Me: Hang on–
BA: And a handbag.
Me: Right. I do actually–
BA: And a belt that was definitely not worth £250.
Me: You say that, but–
BA: And then there was the flurry of eBay shopping at 4.30am last Thursday.
Me: Gosh, that sounds…I mean, who would…um?
BA: It was for a set of very overpriced glass bowls that will cost a fortune to be shipped from Milan.
Me: Wait, they were from Milan? Oh.
BA: Yes. This thief works internationally.
Me: Perhaps the thief was drunk after her sister’s birthday party and ordered them by accident?
BA: Or perhaps they’re just very reckless and stupid.
Me: Well, I don’t know about–
BA: You would not BELIEVE how much this criminal is spending on Ocado.
Me: Errr…they might be a very busy criminal with no time to make it down to the supermarket.
BA: Who orders eight bottles of Comfort fabric conditioner in one go?
Me: Maybe it was on special offer for one weekend only and they thought it would be sensible to stock up?
BA: No one is that weird.
BA: They seem to be supporting Deliveroo single-handedly.
Me: That sounds like an exaggeration, but–
BA: And Uber.
Me: Actually, they’re pretty cheap, so–
BA: The point is, we’re onto them.
Me: That’s a….relief.
BA: So don’t worry.
Me: (nervous laugh)
BA: They won’t get away with it.
Me: (sounding shrill) So pleased.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now