mr bean, bank account, cartoon, error, atm, cash machine, poor, broke, conversations with bank account

If your bank account could talk…

BA: You should know there has been fraudulent activity on your account.

Me: OMG.

BA: It’s serious, I’m afraid.

Me: What????

BA: I’ve been monitoring erratic spending for some time.

Me: Christ, who is this bastard and how do we stop them?

BA: The thing is, there are almost no funds in your account, and that’s what raised our suspicions.

Me: No need to rub it in, but go on.

BA: A designer dress was bought on Net-a-Porter.

Me: Hang on–

BA: And a handbag.

Me: Right. I do actually–

BA: And a belt that was definitely not worth £250.

Me: You say that, but–

BA: And then there was the flurry of eBay shopping at 4.30am last Thursday.

Me: Gosh, that sounds…I mean, who would…um?

BA: It was for a set of very overpriced glass bowls that will cost a fortune to be shipped from Milan.

Me: Wait, they were from Milan? Oh.

BA: Yes. This thief works internationally.

Me: Perhaps the thief was drunk after her sister’s birthday party and ordered them by accident?

BA: Or perhaps they’re just very reckless and stupid.

Me: Well, I don’t know about–

BA: You would not BELIEVE how much this criminal is spending on Ocado.

Me: Errr…they might be a very busy criminal with no time to make it down to the supermarket.

BA: Who orders eight bottles of Comfort fabric conditioner in one go?

Me: Maybe it was on special offer for one weekend only and they thought it would be sensible to stock up?

BA: No one is that weird.

Me: …………………..

BA: They seem to be supporting Deliveroo single-handedly.

Me: That sounds like an exaggeration, but–

BA: And Uber.

Me: Actually, they’re pretty cheap, so–

BA: The point is, we’re onto them.

Me: That’s a….relief.

BA: So don’t worry.

Me: (nervous laugh)

BA: They won’t get away with it.

Me: (sounding shrill) So pleased.

I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now

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