fast and furious, dwayne johnson, the rock, maori dance, greetings, weird, eccentric, no contact

Hysterical how-do-you-dos

The Hoff style finger guns

Yo. If people can’t find inspiration from you impersonating the man who sang his smash hit German number one ‘Looking for Freedom’ on the remains of the Berlin Wall in 1989, there’s something wrong with them. The Hoff greeting is all about motivation – an easy-going ‘Let’s jump in my open top car and go get a milkshake (even though we actually can’t because everything’s shut and we’re not allowed to share a straw, plus it’s freezing and you probably want the windows up)’ mood that strikes the right balance between optimism and practicality. Here’s hoping everyone actually gets the reference without you having to sing the Knightrider theme tune.

Little Maori dance

A friendly dance that obviously couldn’t end in any nose-rubbing (annoying) but was an attempt to bring some welcome festivity to a pavement ‘hello’. Save the haka specifically for adversaries – the scary cat next door/the client on Zoom who brought your deadline forward/your laptop when it starts making that whirring sound for no reason.

Ducking robot situation

It was going to be a hug, because that’s just instinctive until you realised hugging is an ancient tradition now and could almost be seen as a sign of aggression. With all this running through your head, you tried to style it out into a Peter Crouch robot impersonation, whilst also trying to duck the other person touching you, because what if there was actual flesh contact? Oh God, what has happened to us all?

Slo-mo elbow bump

As the most widely recognised Covid-greeting, you decided elbow bumping could perhaps do with some more theatre. While you tried to pretend to yourself that the slo-mo version gave it a kind of Kubrick-esque Space Odyssey 2001 air, the likelihood is you were going in when you started to feel like they might not want to be touched at all and lost your nerve. An elbow extended in friendship and STILL we’re left hanging.

Spock ‘live and prosper’ fingers

Solemn face. Hand divided. They laughed, you didn’t. You just looked confused and said you didn’t understand human emotion.


It’s The Crown’s fault. Inevitably a curtsey will have sneaked in there, as you thought about Margaret Thatcher sinking practically through the floor or Diana throwing the Queen into total turmoil by hugging her when a polite – and distant – quick bob would have done the trick.  The question is: do you go deep?

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