julianne moore, map to the stars, meditating, crying, shouting

The horror of ‘What do you want out of life?’

“What do you want out of life?” they ask. And it’s a bad question. Far too macro. Look after the emotional pennies instead. Of course we want a lot of the big stuff: Elastic skin, some kind of subtle world domination, a good death, long-term financial security, deeply rewarding relationships, great health, a strong pelvic floor. Crushing goals. Torture. How to begin?

So we lie in bed worrying about how to begin. And it kind of hurts. That’s where we start to confuse effort with pain because we are so overstretched. But maybe we can figure it all out better if we say, “Am I prepared to do this?” Am I prepared to wake up (ha) an hour earlier? Am I prepared to drink less? Am I prepared to change my attitude and trust that circumstances will follow?

Will we end up with a richer existence, or will we end up lying down on the ground waiting to be carted away? We can’t take any more depletion. More depletion means that we will no longer be held together by anything. We might just dissolve. Because effort is required – fate is rarely the knight in shining armour if left to his own devices.

Of course change is scary. And pain will happen. Pain is part of the deal. We could be less scared of feelings. They are only feelings. Otherwise we won’t do anything at all. This is our year. If we can take it.  And we think we can. If we want it enough. Baby steps. Building blocks. Adding – slowly and gently – more colours to the rainbow.

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