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Have you got a secret?

  1. Whenever anyone asks you about your love life, answer defensively with, “Why, what have you heard?” If they become curious, behave as if you have no idea what on earth they are talking about. Insist you have never heard of Idris Elba. Assume they are referring to the island in the Tuscan Archipelago, not the handsome actor.
  2. Develop an aversion to a specific area. If someone mentions it or suggests going there for lunch or the cinema, freeze completely. Quietly whisper, “Do you mean… the Chiswick?” Stagger back against the wall, staring wildly. “The deal was I would never return…” Become aggressive/emotional/shrill if pressed on the subject.
  3. Invite your friends over for dinner. Then spend the whole evening checking your phone, having to duck out so you can take phone calls. Let someone overhear you saying, “I told you. The Russian for ‘shred everything’ is Кромсать все.” Drink neat vodka sorrowfully. Appear to have received an alarming text. Mutter, “Yuri is on the move at last…” Get up and leave with no explanation. Do not shut the front door behind you.
  4. Start wearing a baseball cap in public. Turn up the collar of your coat. Stare at your feet as you walk down the street. Mutter things like, “Oh my God” and “I don’t believe this”. Look over your shoulder a lot. Suddenly swerve into random shops for no reason. Answer every question your friends ask with a question. “What am I doing? What are YOU doing?”
  5. Turn up to a funeral, but hang back mysteriously from the other mourners. Wear an expensive overcoat and dark glasses. Express no emotion at all. Place a single red rose on the grave and leave swiftly in a limousine.
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