Jacob Rees Mogg
You get to scare people AND loll inappropriately on the sofa. Not that much of a departure from reality, then. Refuse to do anything. Say it will be taken care of by Nanny.
Jacob Rees Mogg’s nanny
Clank around the place wearing chains, looking partly terrifying and partly forlorn, while rattling a set of Mercedes keys in your hand and shouting, ‘Use your Latin, Sixtus!’
Coleen Rooney
A ruthless bloodhound of an investigator dressed in a Juicy Couture tracksuit, mercilessly gathering the scalps of disloyal WAGs.
Meryl Streep in Big Little Lies
False teeth. A cardigan. Scream whenever anyone asks you a question.
Bette Davies and Joan Crawford from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
A couple of old hags desperately trying to recapture their youth. Too close to the bone?
Catwoman
Not sexy cat woman. No hot PVC catsuit or cute whiskers. No adorable ears. No suggestive tail. We’re talking mad catwoman. Lives with seventeen cats, catwoman. Might get her face eaten by her cats, catwoman. Shares their food, catwoman. Gives them names like Firebolt and Agent Midnight, catwoman. Slight litter tray aroma, catwoman.
The Devil Wears & Other Stories
In your own clothes, just being a major bitch to everyone.
Shiv from Succession
Slick red hair. Happy to stab brothers in the back (metaphorically at the moment, but you never know). Good at swearing and intimidating her husband.
An alarm clock
Come on, everyone hates an alarm clock.
A loaf of bread
Terrify all women who cross your path.
