Now that we have officially lost all sense of balance in life, we lurch from one form of extreme behaviour to another. Sometimes we run the extreme behaviours in parallel. Are we fascinating creatures, ripe with contradictions or are we in need of a series of interventions? Because we are all either:
Refusing to cook or trying to prepare a gourmet dinner
Why ever cook again? It’s so time-consuming and relentless and requires imagination when we’re tired. Why can’t we just take a pill, feel full, be supplied with nutrients and not have to wash up? OR Can anyone please pass me the capers and coastal herbs because this dover sole is not going to ‘Grenobloise’ itself.
Dressed like swamp creatures or Adele on the front cover of Vogue
In one corner: these stretchy trackies are a bit too stretched now. The elastic has gone in the arse and the waist and that looks like some kind of jam stain on the knee, but seriously, who even gives a fuck now that society has been dissolved? In the other corner: you’re actually doing face masks and putting treatments in your hair. That is MAKE-UP on your face. And CLOTHES that are REAL on your body. And HEELS on your FEET. Good GOD.
Phone switched off or hideously hyper-connected
Turn that beeping little bastard off and fling him in a corner. What are we, robots now? If we must eschew the rituals of social interaction, then why even be part of this seventh circle of digital hell? That, or texting so much you’re now WhatsApping from our laptops to save time. The only point of walking anywhere is so that you can leave voice notes. How can you have completely caught up on Instagram?? Why has no one posted in the past…six seconds???
Incapable of getting through an hour without crying or gathering collapsing friends around you like a shepherd of the dispossessed.
You: ‘Damn you, world!’ to no one in particular, as tears pour down your face for the seventeenth time today. Also you: ‘Of course trying to decipher your weird dream is more important than my deadline. Tell me again what you think your ex turning into a guinea pig might mean.’
Getting absolutely no work done or forging a new global empire.
From staring blankly at your screen for what could be anything between five minutes to five years to securing investment, business loans, twenty new employees, trademarks, lawyers, accountants and even headed paper.