date night, bad date, steve carell, tina fey, dating, horrendous

My five worst first dates

We’re often told that women lie on their online dating profiles, but as I have discovered, men do too. Over the past few years I’ve been on an awful lot of first dates. Some lovely, many forgettable, a few absolute horrors when men have been utterly and excruciatingly economical with the truth. And yes, the following really, really did happen…

  1. Alan said he was working in conflict resolution after a long period of what he called ‘time out’. I was imagining humanitarian or government work in the Middle East. Not that he’d actually killed someone in a fight and spent the last 25 years in jail. Yup, stabbed another human being through the heart. This was probably the most definitive deal breaker. Ever.
  2. I had my suspicions when Barney said he was in his early fifties in spite of having a grandson and being retired. But I, you know, went with it. Turned out he was at least sixty-five, six inches shorter than me and had a jet black comb-over that did little to conceal bright white roots. His profile picture, I realised, must have been taken some time in the 90s.
  3. Alluringly attractive from his pictures, Colin had foul breath. As in the most stinking, doggy halitosis ever. Obviously he suffered from a medical condition, I know, I know, but still… I nearly retched as he leaned forward to give me a friendly peck on the cheek. Honestly though, it makes you think, what kind of best friends did he have? Why had no one TOLD him?
  4. Gorgeous smile and plenty of flirty banter over our candlelit dinner, Duncan seemed promising. Artfully concealed beneath his expensively tailored pinstripe suit however, was a pair of the most ginormously womanly hips. We’re not talking lovable little festive belt here. Sort of explodingly enormous. Which I only discovered when I went in for the farewell, maybe see you again, snog. Or maybe not. Oh alright, full disclosure: I shagged him. I am not proud of this.
  5. Who even thinks of bringing their child along on a first date? Eddy, it seems, who was worried that his 7-year-old daughter had just had a row with his ex-wife and was ‘a little bit upset’. Like I cared? He cancelled our reservation for dim sum in Chinatown in favour of Mini Mojos, Andy Pandy mash and strawberry smoothies at the the Rainforest Cafe. To cheer her up. I was cool with that. No, I wasn’t.  
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