minions, beach, holiday, vacation

Five holidays you’ve probably been on

1. The school trip

That time you went to Paris for a History of Art tour of the city’s most famous cultural spots, but the whole thing descended into a St Trinian’s-esque storm. One girl went off with two boys she met in the middle of the street, nearly giving your already-on-edge teacher a heart attack (before mobiles), and turned up two hours later with no explanation of where she’d been and (fake) surprised at all the fuss. Every night you all got wildly drunk, everyone chain-smoked (spliffs on the Bateau Mouche). Your teacher woke up a week after the trip, shouting, “WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THEY?” and had to be physically restrained by his wife.

2. Your first holiday without your parents with a friend you didn’t really like

Staying in a brothel by mistake with men rattling at the door to get in in the middle of the night, a military line of insects constantly marching in a line inside your shower, sheets that hadn’t been washed in years. Your ‘friend’ having sex with a Dutch boy in the sea, you feeling homesick every single day. Only getting through it because of the Spin Doctor’s album on your walkman.

3. The en masse university holiday 

The ENORMOUS group of friends that all crammed into one villa, sleeping in packs like wolves, drunk the entire time, laughing so much you thought you might die, behaving like football hooligans, loving every single second.

4. The boyfriend holiday

Sex, sex, more sex, then more sex. Not leaving the hotel until you’d had sex about four times before lunch. Not really seeing or doing anything as a result. Both feeling sick because you’d had too much sex. Unable to stop having sex though

5. The family holiday after years of not going on holiday with your family

Dreading it and then finding yourself pleasantly surprised by how much you actually like them. An undercurrent of passive-aggressiveness, but miraculously not aimed at you. Letting the teenagers on the trip smoke fags, enjoying your parents. Nice.

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