winona ryder, veronica sawyer, heathers, feral, wild, uncontrollable

The Feral Files

  • Get up in the MORNING, you say? What is this morning you speak of? Are you referring to the extended daylight period of the night that is now designated to lying in bed, scrolling through your phone, dozing for a bit, watching YouTube compilations of the funniest bits from Friends, dozing a bit more, staring at the ceiling, falling into a deep sleep and then waking up confused and sweaty? The days are much shorter in winter – they start at midday.
  • Time is a man-made construct and is therefore amenable to our whims. We shall take breakfast at 1pm, lunch is now at 1.30pm in the afternoon and many, many suppers not long after. We must eat, rest, eat, rest while thinking about eating (snack?) and then eat again. Before resting for twelve hours. And crying a bit.
  • Plates seem a bit old-fashioned when you can just eat out of the takeaway box with your hands. Come on, it’s 2021, not the 19th century!
  • Most things are improved by a hot water bottle placed securely down one’s trousers. Surely it doesn’t need to be removed just because you’ve got to go to the supermarket or walk the dog? It’s cold out there FFS.
  • All adult clothing has now been replaced with the staple look ‘child on its way to soft play’. Stretchy, stretchy.
  • When did I last wash my hair? Was it yesterday? Or last week? Last year maybe? Should I not be as my maker intended and just go full Stig of the Dump? Can’t even be arsed to do my own roots. Let those fuckers show themselves.
  • Make-up. There was a time when we used to draw our own features on with a pencil and colour in the pallid bits to make ourselves look healthier. What on earth does any of that matter now? Welcome, monobrow and translucent eyelashes, make yourselves at home. You’ll be here for a while.
  • Have given up communicating in full sentences. Just fragmented randomness. Like telegram. Am tired. Stop. Can’t talk. Stop. Please. Stop.
  • Starting to think Bridgerton is a masterpiece.
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